the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
