This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
