I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
