i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
