yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
