My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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