sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
