when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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