i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
