If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
