I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
