Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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