if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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