Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
