She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
