You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
