Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
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