I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
