I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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