This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
