Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
