i need an iv and a liver transplant
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
