My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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