I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
