i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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