I'm so fucking centered right now
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
