If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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