Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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