i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
