never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
