Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
