Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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