Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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