Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
