Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
