The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
BRING THE BAGELS
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
