I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
