All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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