I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
