My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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