Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
