the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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