No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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