So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
