If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
