I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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