It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
