Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
