it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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