I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
