I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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